illness

Cancer

I believe I manifest my reality, so imagine my surprise when I was diagnosed with cancer. Reactions to a diagnosis range from complete denial to an immediate declaration of war against the threatening disease. A cancer diagnosis does not have to be a death sentence, but regardless of how it ends, the physical, emotional, and financial toll sustained from dealing with such an illness can be a grueling ordeal.

At some level of awareness and understanding we do realize there are absolutely no guarantees in life, and everything can be taken away in an instant, yet we never properly prepare for the one thing that is certain, death. Faced with a life-threatening illness, we might start drowning in a whirlpool of terrifying thoughts even before we have time to schedule a follow up appointment. What will happen to the people who rely on me when I start radiation? Will chemo take my eyebrows and eyelashes too? Will insurance cover all the extensive treatments required? Can I drive myself to appointments or will I have to burden my family and friends? Will I still have a job if I take too much time off? If I die, who will raise my children, support my ailing parents, take care of my disabled sibling, make sure my animals are cared for and loved. Our lists vary based on our individual situations, but the accompanying stress and anxiety is usually common to everyone.

Receiving distressful information from medical professionals can be very triggering and traumatizing unless the communication regarding diagnosis and treatment is calibrated to the needs and sensitivities of the patient. No matter how much we prepare by speaking with knowledgeable friends or reading relevant medical journals, the level of care and attention our doctors and surgeons invest in how they explain the specifics of our case will directly impact the degree of shock and trauma we endure as a result. We might feel terrified in the doctor’s office but are left powerless to fight back with rage or run away in tears because cultural norms dictate that we politely sit and listen to the experts with authority as they describe the distressing details of our illness.  Regaining our sense of agency and reconnecting with our personal power is an important part of the healing journey and if we are unable to achieve this on our own, then it might be useful to seek professional help in working through our emotions.

Reaching out to friends and family can be incredibly helpful but it can also be frustrating and disappointing if they are unable to meet our expectations. Most people are not trained to support loved ones who are suffering. They may try to help you feel better by saying things like “you are strong” or even better, “you are the strongest person I know, if anyone can do this, you can”, or some similar statement with that sentiment. Folks in general have a difficult time dealing with their own emotions when they hear the news about a loved one being sick and might fall apart, not realizing how their weeping and crying makes the whole situation completely about them and not the actual patient in crises. The person with the diagnosis may end up feeling unseen and alone, without the option to panic or be in fear because they can’t risk creating any more anxiety for the people in their lives. Again, working with a professional who can hold a safe space for our expression of sorrow and suffering can help us feel more seen, heard, and understood.

Invariably, at some point in the process we will experience loss and need to deal with grief. Most people only notice our visible side effects such as hair loss or extreme weight fluctuations. But there are other devastating losses caused by cancer meds including losing our sense of taste and smell, leaving us longing for the day we can once again enjoy the delicious flavors of our favorite meals. We are also robbed of energy, feeling too drained or exhausted to patriciate in life affirming activities such as going out with friends, doing exciting projects at work, or playing with our kids. Many times, the illness and or treatment come with the most intense physical pain imaginable and we understand why someone would wish for death, losing faith in all that is and all that could be.

While some losses are temporary, it is difficult to foresee with any degree of confidence whether certain scars or side effects are more permanent. Although no one can predict the future, it is unbelievably painful to have to imagine a life without the opportunity to participate in our favorite activities or sports, travel to our dream destinations, or give birth to a child because of some life-saving surgical procedure or highly toxic drug.

There is much sorrow in witnessing the changes happening to our bodies but deeper still is the sense of loss that comes from questioning the truth of our existence, our values, our dreams, and our desires. Who are we if we can no longer play the role of partner, friend, parent, boss, caretaker, or lover? We are a collection of the people we know, the places we visit, the projects we accomplish, and so on. If an illness takes all that away, then what do we have left?

The answers will not come easy, and maybe there are no answer, but after all the turmoil, how we define our time here is still up to us. The fear of death is real. Feeling isolated, misunderstood, abandoned and alone is also real. The grief, depression, and anxiety are real too. We did not choose to get sick, but we can choose how we live in this moment with our sickness. It is way easer said than done but sometimes we just need to sit in the muck we are experiencing in this very moment, take an accounting of what is real and true in our lives, and from here, choose the direction of our next step. Every step we take will bring new information, new emotions, new risks, and possibilities, requiring us to become still once more, account for where we are, before choosing yet another step.

Be kind to yourself. Ask yourself, how would you treat you if you loved you right now, and then give yourself whatever that might be. Remember to ask for help. We are a connected consciousness and when one suffers, we all suffer. By giving others an opportunity to support you in these difficult times, you give them the gift of living a more expansive life through acts of love and kindness.