couples

Mmm, the delights of intimate human connection. Is there anything more delicious than being wrapped in a lover’s embrace. Well, it depends on who you ask. Think of times spent with friends, when you laughed so hard your stomach muscles began to spasm or you had to squeeze your thighs together to keep yourself dry. While the following paragraphs only focus on intimate relationships, we hope sharing our thoughts and suggestions do not inadvertently send a message in any way diminishing the moments of ecstasy and joy we experience in groups, or alone with ourselves for that matter. The concepts offered here can be applied to a broad spectrum of individuals and relationships, but our brief journey together will be limited to intimate partnerships between two people and their adventures in coupledom. Our focus on this narrow definition does not imply a one size fits all mentality to relationships, so feel free to try out what resonates and discard the rest.

Now, how exactly do we want to define intimate relationships. We are obliged to at least mention the massive scientific research explaining the instinctual programming in our evolutionary DNA constantly nudging us to find a mate and reproduce, the same as all other creatures working on the survival of their species. Other related discussions further explain how we are biologically hard wired to connect and seek the safety of a tribe or a herd. Considering the number of books written about and the countless classifications bestowed upon human relations, whether it be monogamous, polyamorous, open, or friends with benefits, it seems pointless to attempt to summarize or rephrase any part of the extensive volumes already available for review. Yet, regardless of the existing data, supporting theories and various explanations about the choices we make to share life with another human being, there remains ample opportunity for us to explore this topic and spend a bit of time pondering the challenges we routinely face once we actually decide to pair up.

How we show up in relationship is heavily influenced by childhood experiences with our primary caregivers, but we also carry within us a myriad of confused illusions mingled with a multitude of societal and cultural expectations outlining how our lives should unfold when we fall in love. Our relationships are expected to carry all of life’s promises, as if finding “the one” is so incredibly magnificent that everything else will pale in comparison. Unfortunately, more often than not, our fantasies about finding our other half or settling down with a partner to grow old with burst into flames as soon as we experience that first disapproving look of criticism for failing to deliver whatever it was our partner was expecting, and we use anger or rage to mask our sudden pain of feeling inadequate and unworthy of love.

Our dating profiles rarely proclaim, “seeking partner for Saturday night brawl”, but they should, because no matter how tenderly we start off in a relationship, many of us are shocked to witness our cruelest selves show up with people we claim to love the most. Being in a committed intimate relationship usually includes opening ourselves up and inviting our partners to witness our true essence, hoping they will accept our limitations and flaws. We long for someone to make us giggle and hold us with compassion and empathy when it comes time for us to weep. How wonderful to know we have a trusted confidant we can count on to throw us a lifeline if we start to sink in the harsh realities of this world, helping us feel seen and understood. A meaningful relationship has the potential to provide a safe haven where we can rest, speak with honesty, and find our strength to be the best versions of ourselves. As we begin to feel safe, we share more of ourselves allowing deeper feelings to surface. It is in this vulnerable state that we connect to repressed emotions such as sorrow, fear or rage, revealing all the open wounds still festering inside us.

Whether we suffered from childhood traumas, witnessed gruesome scenes on a battlefield, or survived a heinous crime, we may or may not be aware that hidden below the surface these gashes are still bleeding and screaming for attention. Sometimes the damage is so severe that we suppress the anguish and bury it deep, fearing total mental and emotional collapse should we ever slow down long enough to feel anything. It takes a lot of courage to drop the defenses protecting our hearts and allow entry to visitors, because our guests will undoubtedly, and often unwittingly, touch our injuries and compel us to drop all pretense and force us confront the unbearable pain of hurt parts pleading to be healed.

Many of us prefer to steer clear of these messy predicaments, even going so far as to lecture others on how outdated these relationship institutions truly are, restricting our freedoms to be self-defined and impeding our ability to follow whatever destiny we choose. While we absolutely support and respect everyone’s right to pursue individual ideals, it’s worth taking the time to regularly examine our life manifestos and ask, do we hold firm to such principles because it is our personal truth or is this just a convenient way to avoid vulnerability altogether. Many of us already know we are injured and simply prefer to be left alone, choosing to keep away from anyone showing us interest and instead maintaining a cool and casual distance from all potential lovers. Some of us succeed in avoiding companionship, constantly pushing people back, but for most of us, we find ourselves promising “Never Again!” one week and searching for our next connection the week after.

Considering how much work partnerships seem to be, you might have thought more people would have given up and abandoned all hope in ever finding a suitable match, but something seems to keep dragging us back into relationships with a desire for deep connection. Science might say we can’t help but follow our animalistic drive to procreate, but what if it’s much more than our biology. What if it’s something akin to a core guidance system, always setting a trajectory for continued expansion and self-discovery, urging us to heal and find ways to evolve. You might call this force your soul, your spirit, your intelligence, your purpose, your essence, your blueprint, your conscience, … or whatever suits you most. This guidance might then continually pull us to partners who are experts at being super salty because they can help us find the open cuts and scrapes that still need to heal as we advance on our path of personal development. So, if you find yourself annoyed, irritated, frustrated or the like, because your partner seems to be pushing every “button” imaginable, then you are probably on track to figuring out how, when and why these buttons were installed in the first place.

The goal here is not to encourage you to suffer needlessly in a miserable and hurtful relationship because you must now regard every lovers’ quarrel as a fantastic opportunity to learn more about yourself. But, if you are aware that you will absolutely take your baggage with you from each relationship to the next, then it might be worth the effort to unpack a few suitcases and lighten the load for your travels. Let’s be extra clear here, learning what you can from a triggering relationship before making a decision to stay or go is in no way the same as staying with an abusive partner for the sake of personal growth, and if you are not sure which you may be experiencing, it is important to speak to a professional and ask for help.

Saying relationships are hard work is like saying the Grand Canyon is a ditch, but it may be worth the investment of time and energy because for many people, a healthy, nourishing, mature partnership is nothing short of heaven. We often hear people complain about how impossible it is to find someone “out there”, a perfect match or a good fit, but the truth is our real challenge is to first understand what’s happening “in here”, inside ourselves. We need to remember that creating relationship bliss is incredibly challenging and absolutely exhausting for both parties involved because the hard work is never about the other, it’s about each individual taking the time to learn more about themselves, how they function and the core beliefs that drive their life choices. It’s essential for partners to own their participatory roles in the overall process and take responsibility by confronting personal self-worth and self-esteem issues, as they each relive younger versions of themselves, not feeling good enough to be worthy of love. Truth is, regardless of what happens with your relationship, in the end, you are the only person you must take with you no matter where you go. So as long as you take responsibility for your actions and are accountable for your own progress and advancement, then each day will feel like paradise because your companion (you) will have learned to love, trust and accept you exactly as you are.